Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Creation

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Money For The Bike

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth!” Johnny replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Subject Of Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.”

He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”

Daddy, is God a man or a woman?

A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”

“Both son. God is both.”

After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”

“Both son, both.”

The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”

Blonde Woman Decided To Kidnap

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. “I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM.” Signed, “The Blonde”.

She pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. “Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.”

Having Some Balls!

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, “Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?”

The man says back to the blind man, “Look buddy, I’m blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?”

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.”

Hot Love Scene

After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, “How come you never make love to me like that?”

“Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that?”

Water Cooler

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

Debra replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”

Wishing Well

Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.

Mr Brown: It works!

Wedding Ring On The Wrong Finger

A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Miracle Products

Luke’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products she asked, “Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?” Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Luke interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

Picture Worth A Half-Million Dollars

This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.

His lawyer said, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

Rich Man

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

George Bush Jogging

George Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, “George, what should I do?” After a few seconds George replied, “Abolish the IRS and start over.” George thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said “Tom, what should I do?” After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish welfare and start over.”

George continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?” After a few seconds Abe replied “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”

Coopers Are Having Sex

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

Sahara Forest

A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell trees.

The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the old man is finished chopping down the tree.

“That’s just astounding,”the foreman says, “wherever did you learn to chop down trees like that?”
“Well now,”the old man smiles, “have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest?”
“You mean the Sahara Desert.”
“Sure, that’s what it’s called NOW…”

I’m Arresting You

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said,
‘I’m arresting you for going through three red lights.’
‘Yeah, well, I’m colour blind,’ said the motorist.

‘In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,’ said the policeman. ‘
So what?’ said the motorist.

‘And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,’ added the officer.

‘I always did have a lousy sense of direction,’ said the motorist with a smile.

At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said,
‘Don’t pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he’s had a few drinks.’

1 in 5 People in The World Are Chinese.

“My old Dad told me, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.”

Why Does A Surgeon Wear A Mask

Twelve year old’s response to the question, `why does a surgeon wear a mask when he performs an operation?’: `So if he makes a muck of it the patient won’t know who did it.’

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Woman Married To Three Microsoft Employees

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now…”

Change A Light Bulb

How many members of the government does it take to change a light bulb.
Members of the government never change light bulbs, they prefer to keep the public in the dark.

Idiots Decide To Go Hunting

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he’s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck.”

So the second hunter says that he’s going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe.”

So the third hunter says, “I’m just gonna shoot at anything I see.”

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!”

Hellooo, I Have Windows!

My girlfriend walked into a shop to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, “I want those curtains in pink, the size of my computer screen.
The salesman said, “Computers don’t need curtains.”
My girlfriend said, “Hellooo, I have windows!”

Three Fishermen And A Mermaid

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish.

The first guy says, “OK, I want you to double my I.Q.” Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly.

The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q. Suddenly, he’s spouting complicated mathematical solutions.

Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, “Are you sure that’s what you really want?”

“Absolutely!” says the man.

The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

Technical Support And a Light Bulb

How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

“Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK.
Can you be more specific about the exact problem?…”

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Want a Divorce!

Husband: “Your birthday is coming up, so I’d like some idea of what you’d like for your birthday.”
Wife: “I want a divorce!”
Husband: “I’m really sorry, but I hadn’t planned to spend that much.”

Good Morning, Doctor!

Good morning, doctor.’
‘Good morning. What’s the trouble?’
My shins, doctor. Look.’
‘Good heavens. They’re all hacked to pieces. Looks as if everyone’s been kicking you. What have you been playing - soccer or rugby?’

Do You Have A Criminal Record?

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, “Do you have a criminal record?”, the Scot replies, “Well no . . . I didn’t realise you still needed one to get in!”

Flying Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Brunette And 2 Blondes

Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
A: An Interpreter.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Recent Survey

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.

Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Two Blondes Observed Parking

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

First Aid

My sister went to first aid lessons. They said, ‘What’s the first thing you’d do if a man was blown up by dynamite?’
My sister said, ‘Wait for him to come down.’

Exam Results

Father: Well son, how are your exam results?
Son: They’re all under water
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They’re all under C level.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Mommy, Why Does The Bride Wear White?

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white?”

His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black…”

Obviously A Lawyer

Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground.

They yelled “Where are we?”

The man replied “You are in a balloon”.

One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said “that man is obviously a lawyer”.

How can you tell?, the two asked.

“It’s easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless”.

Don’t Miss This Opportunity

Don’t Miss This Opportunity
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.

Essex Girl

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s hundreds of them!”

What A Great Day!

How can you tell when it’s going to be a bad day?
* You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
* You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
* Your wife says “Good Morning, Bill” and your name is Frank.
* You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
* You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
* Your tax refund cheque bounces.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

So say together with me: What A Great Day!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Awful Coffee

After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.

Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man growled, “Here they are!”

“Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked.

“Grounds for Divorce.”

Christmas Present

Mummy, here’s your Christmas present. A box of your favorite chocolates.

Thanks, but the box is half empty.

Well, they’re my favorite chocolates too.

Lost In The Desert

These two explorers were lost in the desert. One of them went on ahead. When he came back he said, ‘There’s some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we’re going to have to eat sand.’
His friend said, ‘Blimey, what’s the good news?’
The first one said, ‘There’s plenty of it.’

Santa At College?

You never actually see Santa, only his “assistants”.
Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
Santa doesn’t really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do
all his work for him, but he’s the one who everybody credits with the work.
Santa doesn’t work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure

Motorists Consideration For Others

What would you do to try and encourage motorists to show more consideration for others?

I would drive a police car!

True Parking Ticket Story

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

“I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.”

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

“I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job… Lead us not into temptation.”

Light Bulb Joke

How many FILM DIRECTORS does it take to change a light-bulb?
“I don’t care how many it takes, what it costs, or how you do it -

Donald Duck

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, “Do you have a condom?”

Donald says “No.”

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn’t get a condom that they can’t have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.

The clerk says “yes we do” and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks “Would you like me to put that on your bill?”


New Year Nerd Resolutions


16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Elevator Fart

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began
to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”

“Why, yes, I do,” he replied.

“What does it smell like?”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree.”

Friday, April 17, 2009

I Must Be Invisible

‘Doctor, :doctor, I think I must be invisible. Everyone ignores me.’

‘Next, please.’

3 Foxes In Desert

There once was 3 foxes. 2 of them were clever, the other one was stupid. One day they were stranded in a desert when they saw a little shop. They went inside and the 2 clever foxes bought food and water and the stupid one bought a car door. When they asked him why he bought it, he said, ’so that I can wind down the window when it gets hot.’

What’s Your Business

It’s time to play “What’s Your Business” starring you, the caller. That’s right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that’s not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here’s the beep.

500 Years Ago

500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat, ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. They were to have a contest to find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.

They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win and goes first. “I traveled through the far and distant sands, to observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into view, it’s destination TIMBUCTU!”

ROBERT FROST was next: “TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!”

Vegetables For My Wife

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” “The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mommy, How Old Are You?

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

Want To See The Doctor About Impotence, Right?

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very load voice the receptionist said, “Yes, I see your name here… you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?”

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation… and I’d like the same doctor that did yours!”

3 golf balls and $1,000

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains, “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.”

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad and asks, “But what about the £1,000?”

He replied, “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”

Lady Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Answering Machine

I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I am…

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Be Responsive At This Time

To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to offer in response is based on information available to make no such statement.

Would You Like My Hand?

My brother said to this girl, ‘Would you like my hand in marriage?’
The girl said, ‘Alright, but who’s getting the rest of you?’

No Chicken in Chicken Pie

DINER: Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken pie.
WAITER: There are no shepherds in the shepherd’s pie, either, sir.

What Happened In Texas?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”

Just Do It!

Lawyers do it verbally.
Fly fisherman do it with longer rods.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Firemen find ‘em hot leave ‘em wet!
Software Engineers do it over and over again until it looks like it works.

If You Love Something Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was
and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never
yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed
that you actually set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it!

Lady Goes To The Dentist

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.

“Aha, caries! I’ll have to drill this one out!” says the dentist.

“Oh no, I’d rather have a child!!!” cries the lady.

“In that case, let me adjust the chair first,” replies the dentist.

Learn A Foreign Language

Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.

Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn’t going to make it.

Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted “Bark, Bark” at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away.

Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, “You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!”

Mixing Of Races

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.

‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half­breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’
‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

Into The Ladies Room

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.

He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, “This is for ladies!” she screamed.

The drunk waved his dick at her and said “So is this!”

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Slept With Your Mother!

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books - Chuck Norris Week

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them!

Law & Order

Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show Law & Order claiming it is the trademarked names of his left and right legs!

Chuck Norris - Land Speed Record

a) Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

b) When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Week - Night Light

Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It’s not because he’s scared of the dark - it’s Because the dark is scared of him!

Chuck Norris Week - Pushups

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down!

Julius Caesar

Danny: My year of psychoanalysis was a complete failure!
Sandy: Aren’t you cured?
Danny: That depends on what you call a cure. A year ago I was Julius Caesar, now I’m a nobody.

Ice Cubes

Q: Why didn’t the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party?
A: She lost the recipe.

Unpredictable And Romantic

Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I’m wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

Seducing Voice

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, ‘You’ve got nice hair’.

The man looked all around him but couldn’t see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, ‘You are a handsome man.’

The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, ‘It’s the nuts - they’re complimentary.’

Monday, April 13, 2009

Milk Sheikh

Did you hear about the rich Arab who bought a herd of cows?
He became a milk sheikh.

Chuck Norris Surgery

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

My New Dog

Nick: Would you like to play with my new dog?
Sally: He looks very fierce. Does he bite?
Nick: That’s what I want to find out.

Airplane Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except for the lawyer who is still passing out business cards!!”

New Perfume

Boyfriend: Is that a new perfume I smell?

Girlfriend: It is, and you do!

Lie Detector

Fred: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?

Joe: Seen one? I married one!

Lawyer Fishing in The Atlantic

It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water.

A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water.

He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said “Professional Courtesy!”

Punk Rockers

How many PUNK ROCKERS does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to kick the chair out from under him.

Always Late For Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss,” he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

Frozen Steak

Waiter to customer: “I know your steak is frozen.

I told you it would melt in your mouth, didn’t I?”

Politicians Change a Light-Bulb

How many politicians does it take to change a light-bulb?

‘The Government is well aware of the situation and we are setting up a committee to look into the feasibility of changing it.’

Ugliest Person Ever Seen

Mrs Smith: Don’t you think that man over there is the ugliest person you’ve ever seen?
Mrs Jones: Thats my husband.
Mrs Smith: Oh dear, I’m so sorry.
Mrs Jones: You’re sorry. . .

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Teenagers Change a Light Bulb

How many TEENAGERS does it take to change a light-bulb?
“Do it yourseIf - it’s your house! What am I, some kind of personal slave or something?”

Apply For a Job

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”

“It’s called the door!”

Policeman And Motorist

“Surely you’re not going to drive that car,” said the policeman, advancing on the motorist who had just staggered out of a bar.

“Well, offisher, do you think I’m in any condi­tion to walk?”

How Long?

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.

“How long do you want them?” asked the storekeeper.

“Oh, I need to keep them,” replied Hamish.

Reasons To Become a Nurse

1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) Interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.

Uncle Come In And Said

I was staying with my uncle. One day he come in and said, ‘One of the chickens has just died. We’ll have roast chicken for dinner.’

I said, ‘Lovely.’

The next day he come in and said, ‘One of the pigs has just died. We’ll have roast pork for dinner.’

I said,’Lovely’.

One of the ducks died the next day. He said, ‘We’ll have roast duck for dinner.’

I said, ‘Lovely.’

Then the next day he came down all dressed in black.
He said, ‘Your auntie’s just died.’

I said, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not stopping for dinner.’

Life And You

Have you ever noticed… anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin

Doctor And a Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Carry Your TV Remote

“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Party Of Girl Scouts

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader. “There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”

But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.

“Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.”

“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group. “I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next.”

Little Johnny In Bedroom

Little Johnny walks into his dad’s bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, “What are you doing, Dad?”

His father quickly replies, “I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed.”

Little Johnny replies, “What are you gonna do — screw him?”

The Hamster Is Dead

I tell you boy, the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead;)

Singles Bar

A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

“Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

Fellow Stumble Out Of The Bar

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

Whipped 100 Times

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to be whipped 100 times. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs.

The Frenchman, knowing alchohol eases pain, asked to have French beer on his back.

The Englishman did they same with English beer.

But the Irishman asked to put the Frenchman on his back!

Man vs. Woman

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Wife Loved Him

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

Peace Is Coming

Peace’ is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew ‘peace’ was coming was ’cause the priest would say, ‘Peace,’ like five times, rapid fire.

You’d hear him; he’d be, like, ‘And the peaceful disciples said, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you as we ate Reese’s Pieces with the Lord.” And he said, “I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye.”

Cost Of Lawyer’s Brain

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says ‘brains for sale.’ He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says ‘Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’

So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer’s worth 90.00?”

The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

How To Make Horoscope Fanatics

Do you guys read your horoscopes? I don’t read them because I think they’re flimflam. It seems to me what they do is they write them really broad and vague just so they can get as many people as they can to sort of relate to them.

What I think they should do instead is write them really, really specific and just make a handful of people, like, freak out.

Good Old Billy Of The Clinton

Clinton’s whacked man. This guy’s dangerous.

He’s the kind of guy that could say to a woman and get away with it:
‘You know, if you’d only take your clothes off, and let me see you naked, there would be no more racism.’

Did I Miss Something?

Laura woke up late for school, she was 10 minutes late. She rushed into school. Her teacher asked her, why are you so late, and Laura replied, “oh did I miss something?”