My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?”
I told him, “Nope ! I do this for free.”
Chelsea 1 - 0 Manchester United
2 days ago
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Hugging My Secretary
Knowledge Vs Wisdom
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!
The Cop And The Little Girl
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says,
“Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl,
“Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”
12 Women And 1 Man On Island
A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said “Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded “Well alright sweetie! It’s been a long time for me too.”
The first man exclaimed “Oh hell, there go my Sundays!”
How Did The Human Race Appear?
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered,
“God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered,
“Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered,
“Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
Teachers Be Aware
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Cheney, Bush And Laura
One day Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, ” If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I’ll make one person happy!”
Then Cheney said, ” Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I’ll make ten people happy!”
Then Laura Bush said, ” If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I’ll make a hundred people happy.”
Then the pilot said, ” Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I’ll make six billion people happy.”
Just Won The Lottery
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”
His wife replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
Computer At The Drug Store
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guessI should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stoolsample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he mastur… into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using drugs. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop ….. off, your elbow will never get better.
Politicians And Diapers
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
How Much Does It Cost To Get Married?
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Where’s Mom And Dad?
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?” The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”
Tarot Reader Woman
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future:
- Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
Good Evening
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Stopped By Police Officer
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place…
The man says “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir. I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. Your were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail Light!
Wife: Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your damn mouth!”
Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s been drinking.”
Relativism Theory - Match And Fire
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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