Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Boss Rules


(1) The boss is always right.

(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.

Dress A Bra?

- Mum,can i dress a bra?

- No.-

Why not.

I am 14 years old!-

How many times I will say you “no”, Michael…

Sent The Judge To Jail

What an amazing lawyer he was. Once he got a jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail!

Ham Sandwich

A ham sandwich walks into the bar and says to the bartender,
“give me a shot of whiskey.”
and the bartender says,
“hey buddy we don’t serve food in here” !

Why Are You Late?

A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, “Why are you late?”
He told her, “I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match.”
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, “Still why are you late?”
He answered, “Because there was extra time.”

Escape From Lawyer

What’s the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
“What do you have in your pocket?”, she asked.
“Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
“Wow,” said the blond looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!”

Smaller Feet

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Make a Blonde Laugh

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Yo Mamma Is So Fat

Yo mamma is so fat:…she goes to the restaurant, looks at the menu, and says, “okay.”…when she gets on the scale it says, “to be continued.”

Romantic Evening

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?

Please Only One Person

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.

Young Blonde

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”
“Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.
“But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”

Two Men Were Out Fishing

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
“Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

Things Not To Say To a Cop

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

Soldier Goes Into The Hospital

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. “So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?”
The doctor says, “Son, we have some good news and some bad news.”
“Yeah, what?” replies the patient.
“Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.”
“Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?”
“We put them under your pillow!”

Doggy Style

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, “Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy style.”
“Doggy style? Did she go for it?”
“I’ll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead.”

Marrying a Sweet Young Woman

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
“Let me tell you a story,” said the doctor. “An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot.”
“Impossible!” the geezer exclaimed. “Somebody else must have shot that bear.”
“Exactly,” replied the doctor.

I Can Guess Your Age

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.”
The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
“Pull down your pants,” she says.
He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”
“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”
“You told me yesterday.”

3 Shirts

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled “Got Milk.”
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled “Forgot Milk.”
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled “Not Milk.”

Plumber And Attorney

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.”
The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!”
The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.

I Won The Lottery

A man ask his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”
Wife says, “I would take half and leave you”.
Man says, “Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*** off!”

Have You Ever

Q: Have you ever heard the joke that a stupid says, “NO”???
A: “NO”!!!

Fly In Soup

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!”
“I’m not surprised, sir, our chef used to be a tailor.”

Patient And Doctor

Doctor: Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: But - Why am I facing the window?
Doctor: Because I don’t like the man next door.

Whats Drives Women Wild

Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?
A fifty pound note!

Got any bread?

A duck walks into a bar and says, “Got any bread?”The barman says, “No, this is a bar, we don’t have bread.”
So the duck says, “Got any bread?”The barman says, “No, this is a bar, we don’t have bread. I told you that.”
“Got any bread?” asks the duck.“No, we don’t sell bread here… and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!”
The duck pauses then says, “Got any nails?”“No,” sighs the barman.So the duck says…”Got any bread?”

Seeing Into The Future

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?
Next Tuesday.