Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hugging My Secretary

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?”
I told him, “Nope ! I do this for free.”

Knowledge Vs Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

The Cop And The Little Girl

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says,
“Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Well,” says the little girl,
“Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

Sharks And Lawyers

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy. Hmm…

Horse In A Bar

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says

“Hey buddy, Why the Long Face”?

12 Women And 1 Man On Island

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said “Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded “Well alright sweetie! It’s been a long time for me too.”

The first man exclaimed “Oh hell, there go my Sundays!”

How Did The Human Race Appear?

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered,
“God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered,
“Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered,
“Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Teachers Be Aware

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.

Student: I is the…

Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Cheney, Bush And Laura

One day Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.

Then, George Bush said, ” If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I’ll make one person happy!”

Then Cheney said, ” Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I’ll make ten people happy!”

Then Laura Bush said, ” If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I’ll make a hundred people happy.”

Then the pilot said, ” Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I’ll make six billion people happy.”

Just Won The Lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”

His wife replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

Computer At The Drug Store

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guessI should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stoolsample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he mastur… into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using drugs. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop ….. off, your elbow will never get better.

Politicians And Diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

How Much Does It Cost To Get Married?

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Where’s Mom And Dad?

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?” The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”

Tarot Reader Woman

A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future:

- Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!

Good Evening

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Stopped By Police Officer

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place…

The man says “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir. I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. Your were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail Light!

Wife: Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your damn mouth!”

Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife: “No, only when he’s been drinking.”

Relativism Theory - Match And Fire

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says “Calm down. I can help.
First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

Better To Remain Silent

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt!

Worrying Works!

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen!

Magic Mirror In The Bar

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

College Girls

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.

One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. “Even the teacher is younger than I am,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said optimistically, “but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!”

Young Brunette In Doctor’s Office

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

Chuck Norris Was Here

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the world down!

Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It’s not because he’s scared of the dark. It’s because the dark is scared of him!

Knock Knock

Knock knock.

Whose there?

Open the door and you’ll find out…

Freeze The Money

Q: Why did the man freeze his money?

A: He wanted cold, hard cash!

Marriage License

Each year on his wedding anniversary he goes down to City Hall. He will never give up the hope that his marriage license will someday expire…

Blonde Driving Test

A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks:

- Have you ever even taken a driving test?

- Yes, I have, and many times!

Anger Management

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet seat…

Husband: How does it help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush!

Lawyer Joke

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. “Listen honey,” she said, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, “Paint my house.”

Golf Joke

Q: Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

Why Are You Late?

A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, “Why are you late?”
He told her, “I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match.”

But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, “Still why are you late?”

He answered, “Because there was extra time.”

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Two Elderly Ladies

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.

“We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith.

“Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go!”

Your Wife Gets Double

A man goes hiking. He gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, “I will give you three wishes but there’s a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double.”

So the man says okay.

First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, “OK your wife gets double.”

Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, “OK your wife gets double.”

Then his last wish is, “Beat me half to death!”

Big Test

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Happy Pit Bull

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

Very Attractive Woman

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” the man replies. “Can you get him for me?” she asks. “I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him”, she whispers, “There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

Light Bulb - Software Engineers

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Man Doesn’t Know His Wife

Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Bill Gates And Chuck Norris

Fact: Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Experiments On Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:

“Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” The other replied. “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for two reasons.
First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them!”

Successful Woman - Successful Man

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.