Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fake A Whole Relationship!

Women might be able to fake org*sms. But men can fake a whole relationship!

Kamikaze Pilots

Q: Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Monday, July 27, 2009

What Have You Read

Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have you read then?
Pupil: Umm, I’ve got red hair !

Ancient History

I’m learning ancient history ?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times !


What did God say after she made Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”

I’m part of the Internet

Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m part of the Internet!
Well, you do look a site.

Double Your Money

How can you double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.

She Shouldn’t Walk Upstairs

Fred: I haven’t slept a wink for the past two nights.
Harry: Why’s that?
Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn’t walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

Pain is not cheap!

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.
Patient: Well, without pain it’s cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.
Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract thetooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!
Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.

Stoned tornadoes

Why do tornadoes move so erratically?
-They are dizzy

Baby snake

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake??
Stop crying and viper your nose!

Chicken party

Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties ?
A: Coop-cakes !

Fading memory

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem???

Disappointed redneck

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Married redneck

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Ocean Charity

Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

Pre-marriage experience

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
They have experience in pain and in buying jewelry !

Staying in shape

You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

$20 Bill On The Floor

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

Obama In Town

A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?He said quickly Obama.
When asked why, he replied:Has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?

Unpredictable And Romantic

Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I’m wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

After 20 Years Wife Turns On The Light

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibra.
She goes balistic, “You imp..tent bas..ard! How could you lie to me all these years?”
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…”

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Terminator Late For School!

Teacher : Why are you late for school?
Terminator: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Terminator: The sign that says “School ahead go slow”

Twenty Dollars

Doctor: I will examine you for twenty dollars.
Patient: Go ahead Doctor. If you find it you can have it!

Chuck Norris And Anesthesia

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors!

I Want a Pie

My brother was in a restaurant. He said, ‘Waiter, why is this pie squashed?’
The waiter said; ‘Well sir, you said “I want a pie, and step on it”!

I’m in Room 436

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a womanbeside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. Theyare both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft asyour breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your p…s is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

Laughing Horse

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,”What’s the deal with the jar of money?”
“Well”, the bartender says,”I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!”
The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.
About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they’ve got another jar of twenties there.
“What’s the deal now?” He asks.
“Well”,the bartender says,”That damn horse won’t stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!”
The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.
“Alright”, he says,”You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!”
“Easy”, he says,”I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!”

Santa Almost Got Caught

Three sardar Santa, Banta & Ghanta worked in the same office under the same boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, they all decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early? The Bunta Singh was thrilled to be home early.
He did a little gardening, had some playtime with his son, and went to bed early.
The Ghanta Singh was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The Santa Singh was happy to get home early and surprise her wife. But when he got home, he heard a muffled noise coming from inside his bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss! Gently, he closed the door and crept out of his house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the Banta and Ghanta said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the Santa if he was going to go with them.
“No way,” he said. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

Two Blondes In A Parking Lot

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
“I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!

How Many Psychiatrists To Change A Light Bulb?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Yo Momma’s So Fat

Yo momma’s so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac
Yo momma’s so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials
Yo momma’s so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale
Yo momma’s so fat, when she steps on the scale it says
one at a time please
Yo momma’s so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry
we don’t do livestock
Yo momma’s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate
Yo momma’s so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies ” yes Please”
Yo momma’s so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Do Not Argue With An Idiot!

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience!

Light Travels Faster Than Sound

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

Work Station Definition

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.


You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2 Most Imortant Things In Your Life!

1. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
2. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Recently Discovered Financial Life Wisdom’s

1. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
2. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Laugh At Your Problems

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Blonde At Football

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn’t understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”