Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hugging My Secretary

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?”
I told him, “Nope ! I do this for free.”

Knowledge Vs Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

The Cop And The Little Girl

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says,
“Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Well,” says the little girl,
“Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

Sharks And Lawyers

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy. Hmm…

Horse In A Bar

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says

“Hey buddy, Why the Long Face”?

12 Women And 1 Man On Island

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said “Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded “Well alright sweetie! It’s been a long time for me too.”

The first man exclaimed “Oh hell, there go my Sundays!”

How Did The Human Race Appear?

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered,
“God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered,
“Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered,
“Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Teachers Be Aware

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.

Student: I is the…

Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Cheney, Bush And Laura

One day Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.

Then, George Bush said, ” If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I’ll make one person happy!”

Then Cheney said, ” Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I’ll make ten people happy!”

Then Laura Bush said, ” If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I’ll make a hundred people happy.”

Then the pilot said, ” Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I’ll make six billion people happy.”

Just Won The Lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”

His wife replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

Computer At The Drug Store

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guessI should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stoolsample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he mastur… into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using drugs. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop ….. off, your elbow will never get better.

Politicians And Diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

How Much Does It Cost To Get Married?

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Where’s Mom And Dad?

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?” The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”

Tarot Reader Woman

A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future:

- Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!

Good Evening

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Stopped By Police Officer

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place…

The man says “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir. I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. Your were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail Light!

Wife: Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your damn mouth!”

Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife: “No, only when he’s been drinking.”

Relativism Theory - Match And Fire

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says “Calm down. I can help.
First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

Better To Remain Silent

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt!

Worrying Works!

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen!

Magic Mirror In The Bar

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

College Girls

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.

One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. “Even the teacher is younger than I am,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said optimistically, “but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!”

Young Brunette In Doctor’s Office

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

Chuck Norris Was Here

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the world down!

Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It’s not because he’s scared of the dark. It’s because the dark is scared of him!

Knock Knock

Knock knock.

Whose there?

Open the door and you’ll find out…

Freeze The Money

Q: Why did the man freeze his money?

A: He wanted cold, hard cash!

Marriage License

Each year on his wedding anniversary he goes down to City Hall. He will never give up the hope that his marriage license will someday expire…

Blonde Driving Test

A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks:

- Have you ever even taken a driving test?

- Yes, I have, and many times!

Anger Management

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet seat…

Husband: How does it help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush!

Lawyer Joke

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. “Listen honey,” she said, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, “Paint my house.”

Golf Joke

Q: Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

Why Are You Late?

A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, “Why are you late?”
He told her, “I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match.”

But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, “Still why are you late?”

He answered, “Because there was extra time.”

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Two Elderly Ladies

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.

“We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith.

“Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go!”

Your Wife Gets Double

A man goes hiking. He gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, “I will give you three wishes but there’s a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double.”

So the man says okay.

First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, “OK your wife gets double.”

Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, “OK your wife gets double.”

Then his last wish is, “Beat me half to death!”

Big Test

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Happy Pit Bull

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

Very Attractive Woman

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” the man replies. “Can you get him for me?” she asks. “I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him”, she whispers, “There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

Light Bulb - Software Engineers

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Man Doesn’t Know His Wife

Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Bill Gates And Chuck Norris

Fact: Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Experiments On Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:

“Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” The other replied. “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for two reasons.
First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them!”

Successful Woman - Successful Man

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Chelsea’s New Private School

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea’s new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Hard Cash

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?

He wanted to raise some hard cash.

Patient and Therapist

Patient: I’m really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You’re thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.

General And His Superioirs

There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”

“What was the turining point of wordl war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”

“What’s is the importance of May 12″
The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”

The superior then said
“Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birhtday”


A man calls his family doctor.

Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help.

Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her.

Paul Inces Mum

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?

Ince pies!

Little Brother

How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ?

See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !

Teddy Roosevelt

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?

He was a rough rider!

Fly in Soup

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

Keep it down sir, or they’ll all be wanting one.


As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Light a Match

Jett was trying to light a match.

He struck the first one and it didn’t work, so he threw it away.

He struck the second match. That didn’t work either, so he tossed it.

Jett struck the third one and it lit up.
“That’s a good one!” said the idiot, blowing it out.
“Ah’m gonna save it!”

Young Lady

Policeman: I’ve had my eye on you for some time now.

Young Lady: That’s funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.

Pigs and Sows

What kind of pig do sows dislike?

Male Chauvinist Pigs.

If it wasn’t for my money

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along.
One day she said to him, “If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.”

Casey mumbled, “If it wasn’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

Find Your Dog

How do you find your dog if he’s lost in the woods ?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !

Pentium Designers

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people

Difference Between an Elephant and a Piece of Paper

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ?

You can’t make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

How Did You Find Your Steak

And how did you find your steak sir?

Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was!

Which Author do The Gorillas Love Most

Which author do the Gorillas love most?

Joh Steinbeck - who wrote ‘The Apes of Wrath!’

Policeman and Driver

Policeman: Why didn’t you check your speedometer?

Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

Girl With a Frog in Her Hair

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair ?

Lily !

King Kong

What is as big as King Kong but doesn’t weigh anything?

King Kong’s shadow.

Blonde Crying

One day, a blonde’s neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!”

Weak Cat

Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do?

A: Light mouse work.

Pupil and Dead Sea

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

Pupil: Dead?, I didn’t even know he was sick!

Two Eyes Talking

Q:What did one eye say to the other eye?

A:Between you and me something smells.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Who Started First

Father: Dear son This time you have to gain at least 95% marks..

Son: No dad , I will gain 100% this time..

Father: why are you making a joke..

Son: Who started first …..?????

Apples For Lunch

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

7, 8, 9

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
-because 7 ate 9!!!!

Chickens In Bag

Sonu: How many chickens in your bag?
Monu: If you will guess, I will give you both.
Sonu: I think it’s 4.

Politicians And Diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Called

“Hi, this is Steve.
There’s nobody here, and even if there was we wouldn’t answer the phone.
And even if we did, we wouldn’t say anything.
Maybe you shouldn’t have called.”

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fake A Whole Relationship!

Women might be able to fake org*sms. But men can fake a whole relationship!

Kamikaze Pilots

Q: Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Monday, July 27, 2009

What Have You Read

Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have you read then?
Pupil: Umm, I’ve got red hair !

Ancient History

I’m learning ancient history ?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times !


What did God say after she made Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”

I’m part of the Internet

Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m part of the Internet!
Well, you do look a site.

Double Your Money

How can you double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.

She Shouldn’t Walk Upstairs

Fred: I haven’t slept a wink for the past two nights.
Harry: Why’s that?
Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn’t walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

Pain is not cheap!

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.
Patient: Well, without pain it’s cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.
Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract thetooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!
Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.

Stoned tornadoes

Why do tornadoes move so erratically?
-They are dizzy

Baby snake

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake??
Stop crying and viper your nose!

Chicken party

Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties ?
A: Coop-cakes !

Fading memory

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem???

Disappointed redneck

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Married redneck

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Ocean Charity

Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

Pre-marriage experience

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
They have experience in pain and in buying jewelry !

Staying in shape

You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

$20 Bill On The Floor

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

Obama In Town

A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?He said quickly Obama.
When asked why, he replied:Has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?

Unpredictable And Romantic

Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I’m wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

After 20 Years Wife Turns On The Light

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibra.
She goes balistic, “You imp..tent bas..ard! How could you lie to me all these years?”
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…”

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Terminator Late For School!

Teacher : Why are you late for school?
Terminator: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Terminator: The sign that says “School ahead go slow”

Twenty Dollars

Doctor: I will examine you for twenty dollars.
Patient: Go ahead Doctor. If you find it you can have it!

Chuck Norris And Anesthesia

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors!

I Want a Pie

My brother was in a restaurant. He said, ‘Waiter, why is this pie squashed?’
The waiter said; ‘Well sir, you said “I want a pie, and step on it”!

I’m in Room 436

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a womanbeside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. Theyare both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft asyour breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your p…s is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

Laughing Horse

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,”What’s the deal with the jar of money?”
“Well”, the bartender says,”I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!”
The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.
About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they’ve got another jar of twenties there.
“What’s the deal now?” He asks.
“Well”,the bartender says,”That damn horse won’t stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!”
The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.
“Alright”, he says,”You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!”
“Easy”, he says,”I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!”

Santa Almost Got Caught

Three sardar Santa, Banta & Ghanta worked in the same office under the same boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, they all decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early? The Bunta Singh was thrilled to be home early.
He did a little gardening, had some playtime with his son, and went to bed early.
The Ghanta Singh was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The Santa Singh was happy to get home early and surprise her wife. But when he got home, he heard a muffled noise coming from inside his bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss! Gently, he closed the door and crept out of his house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the Banta and Ghanta said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the Santa if he was going to go with them.
“No way,” he said. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

Two Blondes In A Parking Lot

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
“I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!

How Many Psychiatrists To Change A Light Bulb?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Yo Momma’s So Fat

Yo momma’s so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac
Yo momma’s so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials
Yo momma’s so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale
Yo momma’s so fat, when she steps on the scale it says
one at a time please
Yo momma’s so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry
we don’t do livestock
Yo momma’s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate
Yo momma’s so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies ” yes Please”
Yo momma’s so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Do Not Argue With An Idiot!

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience!

Light Travels Faster Than Sound

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

Work Station Definition

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.


You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2 Most Imortant Things In Your Life!

1. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
2. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Recently Discovered Financial Life Wisdom’s

1. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
2. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Laugh At Your Problems

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Blonde At Football

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn’t understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Boss Rules


(1) The boss is always right.

(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.

Dress A Bra?

- Mum,can i dress a bra?

- No.-

Why not.

I am 14 years old!-

How many times I will say you “no”, Michael…

Sent The Judge To Jail

What an amazing lawyer he was. Once he got a jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail!

Ham Sandwich

A ham sandwich walks into the bar and says to the bartender,
“give me a shot of whiskey.”
and the bartender says,
“hey buddy we don’t serve food in here” !

Why Are You Late?

A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, “Why are you late?”
He told her, “I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match.”
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, “Still why are you late?”
He answered, “Because there was extra time.”

Escape From Lawyer

What’s the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
“What do you have in your pocket?”, she asked.
“Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
“Wow,” said the blond looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!”

Smaller Feet

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Make a Blonde Laugh

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Yo Mamma Is So Fat

Yo mamma is so fat:…she goes to the restaurant, looks at the menu, and says, “okay.”…when she gets on the scale it says, “to be continued.”

Romantic Evening

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?

Please Only One Person

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.

Young Blonde

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”
“Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.
“But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”

Two Men Were Out Fishing

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
“Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

Things Not To Say To a Cop

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

Soldier Goes Into The Hospital

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. “So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?”
The doctor says, “Son, we have some good news and some bad news.”
“Yeah, what?” replies the patient.
“Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.”
“Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?”
“We put them under your pillow!”

Doggy Style

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, “Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy style.”
“Doggy style? Did she go for it?”
“I’ll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead.”

Marrying a Sweet Young Woman

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
“Let me tell you a story,” said the doctor. “An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot.”
“Impossible!” the geezer exclaimed. “Somebody else must have shot that bear.”
“Exactly,” replied the doctor.

I Can Guess Your Age

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.”
The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
“Pull down your pants,” she says.
He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”
“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”
“You told me yesterday.”

3 Shirts

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled “Got Milk.”
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled “Forgot Milk.”
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled “Not Milk.”

Plumber And Attorney

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.”
The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!”
The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.

I Won The Lottery

A man ask his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”
Wife says, “I would take half and leave you”.
Man says, “Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*** off!”

Have You Ever

Q: Have you ever heard the joke that a stupid says, “NO”???
A: “NO”!!!

Fly In Soup

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!”
“I’m not surprised, sir, our chef used to be a tailor.”

Patient And Doctor

Doctor: Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: But - Why am I facing the window?
Doctor: Because I don’t like the man next door.

Whats Drives Women Wild

Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?
A fifty pound note!

Got any bread?

A duck walks into a bar and says, “Got any bread?”The barman says, “No, this is a bar, we don’t have bread.”
So the duck says, “Got any bread?”The barman says, “No, this is a bar, we don’t have bread. I told you that.”
“Got any bread?” asks the duck.“No, we don’t sell bread here… and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!”
The duck pauses then says, “Got any nails?”“No,” sighs the barman.So the duck says…”Got any bread?”

Seeing Into The Future

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?
Next Tuesday.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Pissed In Its Ear

A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and say that he had found a frog.
The teacher asked, “Is the frog alive or dead?”
The student replied, “It’s dead.”
The teacher asked, “How do you know for sure?”
The boy said, “I pissed in its ear.”
Aghast, the teacher said, “You did what?”
He said, “You know, I went to his ear and said, Psst and it didn’t move. So, it must be dead.”

Guy Calls Up His Ex-wife

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak tohimself.
“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!”
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes whoit is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! End ofstory! When are you going to get that through your fat head?”
“Oh, I know! I just can’t hear it enough!”

John the Baptist

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, “I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!”
The other guy looks at him and declares, “I did not!”

Blonde Went To The Doctor

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
“The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.”
“What about the other one?”
“They called back.”

Attractive Blonde

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
“No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink.”
“Why is that,” the host asked?
Her reply… “Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks …anyone can!”

Two Women Playing Golf

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
“No thanks… just give me a few minutes… I’ll be fine…” he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks.
“Well… yes… That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my thumb still hurts like hell.”


When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were:
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Costume Party

A man went to his boss’s costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” the boss asked.
“I’m a snail,” the man replied.
“What a load of crap!” his boss spat. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked woman on your back?”
“You’ve got it wrong,” the man replied. “That’s Michelle.”

I Have a Great Relationship

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.”
He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”

Baby Stork

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
“Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”
The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,
“Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”
A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.
The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

Principal’s Office At A School

The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.
“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.
“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.
“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”
“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”
“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”
“Sure. This is my father!”

Saw Her With Another Man

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
“You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting,” Jon said.
“Waiting for what?” asked Judi.
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow.”

Two Engineering Students

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Blonde Opens Wide

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says, “Open wide”.
“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”!

Real Estate Salesman

A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
“That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”
“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

I'm Not Suggesting…

My husband and I were in the car heading home from a weekend trip out of town.
We needed gasoline, so I stopped at a gas station just off the highway and maneuvered up to a pump. On this particular pump there was a hand written sign placed there by management that read, “This pump is very slow.”
Just below this message, some joker had added, “My name is Forest… Forest Pump.”

Joe’s Wife Ran Away

When Joe’s wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, “Life isn’t worth living.”
“Don’t be stupid, Joe,” said the psychiatrist. “Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?”
“I clean out septic tanks.” Joe replied.

The Carpet Layer

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”
“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”

Husband And Wife Had Four Boys

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

Nurse And Patients

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him,”Charlie what are you doing?” And Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago” Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, “Bob what are you doing!” Bob says… “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

Blonde In Library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Naming Children

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.
One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.
“Well, my son,” the chief replied, “When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
“For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.”
“And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.”
“So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?”

Blonde And Brunette

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.”The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this money. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

College Students

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.
“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”
Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”

Three Microsoft Employees

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now…”

Sentenced To Exile In The Sahara Desert

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.
“I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I’ll have something to eat,” said the first criminal.
“I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I’ll have something to drink,” said the second.
“I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window.”

Christmas Morning

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid replies, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid continued, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

Beer Holder

Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon. They both look at the far end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who came in a while back.
The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, “Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn’t she?”
The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks back at his friend and says, “well, I guess what they say is true, then, eh?”
The first fellow asks, “Well, what DO they say?” The second fellow answers, “Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!”

Two Campers

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says, “I just need to outrun you.”

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Chick In Doctor’s Office

This chick walks into a doctor’s office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does.
The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks “do you know what I’m doing now”and she replies “you’re checking for menopause” and he says “very good”.
Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her “do you know what I’m doing now” and she says “checking for breast cancer” and he says “very good”.
Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he’s doing now and she replies “contracting genital herpes cause that’s why I came to see you”

Police Station

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Three Blondes On Island

There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

What is it?

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?
A last name.

The Government

How many members of the government does it take to change a light bulb?
Members of the government never change light bulbs, they prefer to keep the public in the dark.

Two Farmers

There was the cartoon showing two farmers fighting over the ownership of a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

Polish Joke

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Polish Joke…”
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: “Before you go telling that joke you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers.”
“Okay” says the customer,”I’ll tell it very slowly.”

Taxi Passenger

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

Football - Tennis - Golf

When design engineers get together they often talk about football.
When Middle management meet, they talk about tennis.
When top management meet they talk golf.
Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.

The Dentist

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said, ” Marsha you’re 34 years old, you’re beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?”
“Because he is the First man that ever said to me…. SPIT, don’t SWALLOW.”

Few People In A Bar

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.”
Another guy says, “What’s that?”
The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.”
Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, “What’s that?”
He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.”
A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.”
Larry says, “A wife? What’s a wife?”
She says, “That means, ‘Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

Blonde Woman Driving

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!…”

Family Physician

A man approached his family physician and said,
“Doc, I’m afraid you’ll have to remove my wife’s tonsils one of these days.”
The doctor pulled out the family’s medical file and exclaimed,
“Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?”
“No,” the husband retorted, “but you’ve heard of a man having two wives, haven’t you?”

Ring The Bell

A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: “Please ring bell for the caretaker.
” He rang the bell and an old man appeared.
“Are you the caretaker?” the fellow asked.
“Yes, I am,” replied the old man. “What do you want?”
“I’d just like to know why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

Doggy Style

A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, “What are you doing ?”
His dad replies, “Making you a brother or sister!”
Boy say, “Do her doggy style I want a puppy.”

Stuck Under Bridge

Truck driver is stuck under bridge.Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Oldest Animal in the World

Question: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
Answer: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.

Santa For X-mas

Boy - “dear Santa, for X-mas, I would like a baby brother.”
Santa - “Send me your mother.”

Family Joke

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat…
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

Extreme Sport

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation!

Chuck Norris Runs Backwards

When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he’s retreating.
He’s not. He’s just attacking from another direction!

There Is No Cops Around!

Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, “Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m.”
2nd driver, “it’s ok, just go, there is no cops around.”

Professors Room

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything.”
He returns her gaze.“Anything?”“Anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you… study?”

Monday, May 4, 2009

Over The Counter

A middle-aged man who is about 5 feet, 8 inches tall walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches the pharmacy counter, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes out, and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, “Do you sell Viagra here?”
The pharmacist answers firmly, “Yes, sir. We certainly do.”
The man then says, “Do you think I could get it over the counter?”
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment, compares his height to that of the counter, and then says, “Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.”

Drunk Guy In Hotel

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
“What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”
“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

Navy - Marine

There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, “In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands.”
The Marine replies, “In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!!!”

Women Have All The Luck

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”
“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.
“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”
“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.
“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches.” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

Drunken Man Rubbing The Roofs

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
“What the heck are you doing ?” he asks the drunk.
“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” he replies.
“So how does feeling the roof help you ?” asks the puzzled manager.
“well,” replies the drunk earnestly, “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!”

Farmer From Back In The Hills

A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
“Heya, Wilbur,” said Sam, the store owner. “tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?”
“You betcha, Sam. Ain’t no ‘tother way. Why?”
“Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It’s called a ‘match’.”
“‘Match’? Never heard of it.”
“Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,” Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants.”
“Huh. Well, that’s something, but that ain’t for me, Sam.”
“Well, why not?”
“I can’t be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your pants.”

Take The Blue Pill

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says:
“Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers:
“Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
Doctor says,
“You’re not drinking enough water.”

Barbie Only Cums With GI Joe

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.
She replies, “Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.”

Caught Husband With Another Woman

“Mary,” asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?”
“Another woman with MY husband?” Mary thought it over.
“Let’s see; I’d break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”

I’m Waiting

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
“You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting,” Jon said.
“Waiting for what?” asked Judi.
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow.”

He Wants To Have Sex With You

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you are really cute!”

Al Gore and the Clintons

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, and chuckles and says, “You know I could throw a $10,000 dollar bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.” Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.” Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make one hundred pepole very happy.”
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the WHOLE COUNTRY HAPPY!”

Continually Bothering The Waiter

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Help Me I’m In A Big Trouble!

A: I’m in a big trouble!

B: Why is that?

A: I saw a mouse in my house!

B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

A: I don’t have one.

B: Well then, buy one.

A: Can’t afford one.

B: I can give you mine if you want.

A: That sounds good.

B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

A: I don’t have any cheese.

B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

A: I don’t have oil.

B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

A: I don’t have bread.

B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

NASA Ballpoint Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

New Job

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?” “It’s called the door!”

Computer Salesman, Hardware Engineer And Programmer

A computer salesman, a computer hardware engineer, and a computer programmer were driving down the road, in the middle of nowhere, when they got a flat tire.
The salesman says, “The car is defective. We have to swap the whole thing in for a new one.”
The hardware guy says, “Let’s change the tires around until we see which one is flat.”
And the programmer says, “Let’s just drive on for a while. Maybe the problem will go away by itself.”