Sunday, August 9, 2009

Chelsea’s New Private School

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea’s new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Hard Cash

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?

He wanted to raise some hard cash.

Patient and Therapist

Patient: I’m really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You’re thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.

General And His Superioirs

There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”

“What was the turining point of wordl war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”

“What’s is the importance of May 12″
The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”

The superior then said
“Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birhtday”


A man calls his family doctor.

Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help.

Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her.

Paul Inces Mum

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?

Ince pies!

Little Brother

How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ?

See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !

Teddy Roosevelt

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?

He was a rough rider!

Fly in Soup

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

Keep it down sir, or they’ll all be wanting one.


As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Light a Match

Jett was trying to light a match.

He struck the first one and it didn’t work, so he threw it away.

He struck the second match. That didn’t work either, so he tossed it.

Jett struck the third one and it lit up.
“That’s a good one!” said the idiot, blowing it out.
“Ah’m gonna save it!”

Young Lady

Policeman: I’ve had my eye on you for some time now.

Young Lady: That’s funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.

Pigs and Sows

What kind of pig do sows dislike?

Male Chauvinist Pigs.

If it wasn’t for my money

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along.
One day she said to him, “If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.”

Casey mumbled, “If it wasn’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

Find Your Dog

How do you find your dog if he’s lost in the woods ?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !

Pentium Designers

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people

Difference Between an Elephant and a Piece of Paper

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ?

You can’t make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

How Did You Find Your Steak

And how did you find your steak sir?

Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was!

Which Author do The Gorillas Love Most

Which author do the Gorillas love most?

Joh Steinbeck - who wrote ‘The Apes of Wrath!’

Policeman and Driver

Policeman: Why didn’t you check your speedometer?

Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

Girl With a Frog in Her Hair

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair ?

Lily !

King Kong

What is as big as King Kong but doesn’t weigh anything?

King Kong’s shadow.

Blonde Crying

One day, a blonde’s neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!”

Weak Cat

Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do?

A: Light mouse work.

Pupil and Dead Sea

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

Pupil: Dead?, I didn’t even know he was sick!

Two Eyes Talking

Q:What did one eye say to the other eye?

A:Between you and me something smells.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Who Started First

Father: Dear son This time you have to gain at least 95% marks..

Son: No dad , I will gain 100% this time..

Father: why are you making a joke..

Son: Who started first …..?????

Apples For Lunch

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

7, 8, 9

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
-because 7 ate 9!!!!

Chickens In Bag

Sonu: How many chickens in your bag?
Monu: If you will guess, I will give you both.
Sonu: I think it’s 4.

Politicians And Diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Called

“Hi, this is Steve.
There’s nobody here, and even if there was we wouldn’t answer the phone.
And even if we did, we wouldn’t say anything.
Maybe you shouldn’t have called.”