Job Interview

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”
Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

How Many Programmers To Change a Lightbulb?

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. They can’t do it, it’s a hardware problem.

My Pop Taught Me!

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well.

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10!”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…lets say ten?”

“A jack!”

Three Wishes and Three Wishes Only

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said,
” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.”

The man thought about his first wish and decided,
“I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!

Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.

He asked for his final wish, ” I wish I was irresistible to women.” POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

Hugging My Secretary

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?”
I told him, “Nope ! I do this for free.”

Knowledge Vs Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

The Cop And The Little Girl

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says,
“Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Well,” says the little girl,
“Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

Sharks And Lawyers

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy. Hmm…

Horse In A Bar

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says

“Hey buddy, Why the Long Face”?

12 Women And 1 Man On Island

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said “Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded “Well alright sweetie! It’s been a long time for me too.”

The first man exclaimed “Oh hell, there go my Sundays!”

How Did The Human Race Appear?

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered,
“God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered,
“Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered,
“Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Teachers Be Aware

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.

Student: I is the…

Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Cheney, Bush And Laura

One day Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.

Then, George Bush said, ” If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I’ll make one person happy!”

Then Cheney said, ” Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I’ll make ten people happy!”

Then Laura Bush said, ” If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I’ll make a hundred people happy.”

Then the pilot said, ” Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I’ll make six billion people happy.”

Just Won The Lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”

His wife replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

Computer At The Drug Store

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guessI should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stoolsample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he mastur… into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using drugs. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop ….. off, your elbow will never get better.

Politicians And Diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

How Much Does It Cost To Get Married?

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Where’s Mom And Dad?

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?” The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”