Young Engineer Fresh Out Of MIT

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT:
“And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sits up straight and says:
“Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replies:
“Yeah, but you started it.”

Where Would I Find The Andes

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said,
“Dad, where would I find the Andes?

“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “
Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

A Very Touching Story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Local Farmer Came to Help

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

Man and a Woman in a Compromising Position

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?” “To kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist’s wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

Marriage Certificate

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate.

After a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?

He replied, “The expiration date.”

They Asked The Priest To Pray For Them

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

“I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” he replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.”

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

“He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle out” came the harried reply.

Four Best Friends Getting Babies

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.”

The man said “How strange, I’m the manager of Minnesota Twins.”

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.”

Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the “3 musketeers.”

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
“Congratulations, you got twins x2.”

Man is happy and says, “Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.”

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They asked him what’s wrong and he answered, “What’s wrong?

I work for 7up”

Four Best Friends Getting Babies

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.”

The man said “How strange, I’m the manager of Minnesota Twins.”

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.”

Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the “3 musketeers.”

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
“Congratulations, you got twins x2.”

Man is happy and says, “Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.”

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They asked him what’s wrong and he answered, “What’s wrong?

I work for 7up”

Written on The Wall!

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

A Blonde Earning Some Extra Money

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. How much will you charge me?” The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lexus.”

We Are Expecting Snow Today

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Gift To Give A Friend

A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing.

He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”

Baseball In Heaven

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game.

They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. “I have good news and bad news.

I’ll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, time for the bad news….”You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

Job Interview

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”
Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

How Many Programmers To Change a Lightbulb?

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. They can’t do it, it’s a hardware problem.

My Pop Taught Me!

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well.

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10!”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…lets say ten?”

“A jack!”

Three Wishes and Three Wishes Only

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said,
” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.”

The man thought about his first wish and decided,
“I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!

Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.

He asked for his final wish, ” I wish I was irresistible to women.” POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.